Trapped!

Trapped by what? Things! In some ways I swear I was at my happiest when I was a student in university and my possessions consisted of a computer, a tiny B&W TV, a used bass guitar, a used 12-speed bicycle and some old furniture. Lived in a rented apartment that I could leave pretty much any time, no fire or theft insurance because I lived above a bar and a dance club and no underwriter would stop giggling long enough to even send me a quote. If the place burned down I'd only be sad about my cat anyways. Didn't have much money but didn't need much. Worked co-op terms every other semester and was in school the rest. I said, and believed at the time, that I could do that for the rest of my life, becoming the living embodiment of the perpetual student. Universities probably wouldn't let me do it, after all you can only drag your masters on for so long (I know, I was there) and PHd's only last so long. They only give you so many postdocs before you have to 'join the club' and become a professor, the sort of part II of the perpetual student life.

But that wasn't for me. After wishing for that I got sick of school during a long M.Sc. programme and started wanting things. I wanted a car and a house. First I got the car, a brand spanking new Geo Metro! Purple, 3-cylinders. Years later at Yuk-Yuks a comedian (I forget your name, apologies) told a joke about a gay superhero in a purple Turbo Sprint, the Chevy version of my car only with a Turbo so it wasn't quite as laughable. It was good on gas and it was mine, dammit. A car is freedom as they say, but then you have something to care about. Where to park the damn thing. It's not like someone is going to steal a Geo Metro but I still cared.

Then the renting thing started to get old. The place above the dance bar got to us after a while and then we lived above a Dr.'s office which sounds cool and it was a nice place but eventually you get sick of being told how to park, where you friends can park, when the heat and AC can be used (because they were included) and so on. Off to buy a house then so no one can tell me what to do!

But houses are even more worrying with things to fix all the time. And your car parked outside. And now all of your furniture inside.

Then you have kids! And you love them and they're great but you worry about them more than anything. They get into trouble but you can't tell them what to do and do it for them all the time. They have to learn on their own. And often they wreck your stuff, like I wrecked my parents stuff.

So now I worry about my kids, my house, my car, my stuff, my job, my health. I swear all this worrying is going to be the end of me but it is hard to let go, very hard. I just said bad habits can be broken right now, didn't I? Hmm, guess I'll start right... uh... not as easy as it looks. Because I'm trapped. And not all the worries can just be sent away.

You can't stop worrying about the job because then how do you pay for the house, the car, the kids and the stuff? You can't just get rid of the cars as you have to get to work, the kids have to get to school, etc. You can't get rid of the house, well I suppose you could move back to an apartment but I really don't see it.

There are kids books written about it, moving to the city from the country into a little apartment and no matter how they try to sugar coat it, I think even a 4-year old sees right through it. To me at least, there is nothing like a house with a yard, gardens to explore, plants to watch grow, animals to see and hear. But you do worry about it all.

In some ways a man with nothing must be happiest of all. Not in other ways I'm sure, and I hope I don't find out but in some ways it is nice not to worry about these things. Let it go... They're just things... just things... things...